December 22nd

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

There are some pieces of clothing that start to carry a meaning that goes beyond mere function. They can evoke a memory or make you feel comforted or really, really, really good looking. The pjs above mean a lot to me because they have come to signify a dream come true and because 3 of the 4 little Duyvkens have worn them and loved them.
There is a 4 year gap between G and J not because we planned it that way but because we struggled to fall pregnant after G was born. We fell eagerly into parenthood and decided to add to the family when G was about 4mths old. Month after month passed with no sign of the baby we were hoping for. We were living in a perpetually recurring two week cycle of hope and disappointment. Time doesn't behave normally in that zone, it passes both quickly and slowly, speeding up and slowing down at intervals that are impossible to predict. Before we knew it a year had passed. We saw my ob/gyn and had some standard fertility checks that showed everything was as it should be which put us in the basket labelled 'secondary non-specific sub-fertility'. As infertility labels go this isn't a bad one to have but it also leaves you with an answer that is not an answer and fertility treatment options that don't offer any higher rates of success than just continuing to try unassisted.
So, we rolled on continuing to try every month, drinking horrific tasting traditional chinese medicine concoctions, tracking basal body temperature, taking vitamin supplements and trying to reduce stress. I even had a laproscopic endoscopy to figure out why I wasn't falling pregnant!
But, the months rolled on and one recurring image helped me to feel that it would all eventually work out and there would be another baby in my arms and a sibling for G to play and bicker with . I used to imagine lying in bed on a sunny morning watching the long shadows cast across the bed by the trees in the yard and then a toddler would open the door, come bounding into the room wearing airplane pyjamas and, giggling, jump into the bed with us.
I'd often question if I was comforting myself or torturing myself but it was an image that stayed with me and, even though I was never able to find airplane pyjamas these safari pjs that my mum gave J for his 2nd birthday reminded me of that image and of a longing finally fulfilled.
J, C and now JW have all worn these pjs and I had every intention of #5 wearing them too but when JW was taking them off a few weeks ago the fabric split. They have been worn and washed so many times that there are plenty of spots where the fabric has practically worn right through and I know that just stitching it back together won't mend it permanently. I bought some white singlets and am going to make some yoyos, some flutter sleeves and some piping with the cotton top so there will be a few new tops to wear with the shorts. Hopefully, it will survive for another few years and baby#5 will be able to wear them too. Otherwise, I might have to conquer my fear of garment making, find some sweet airplane fabric and attempt to make some dream-fulfilled pjs of my own.

1 comments:

Michelle :

That was such a hard and long sad time for everyone who was (from afar) on that journey with you. So many prayers were said, and finally answered when the time was right. And answered again in abundance. :)

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