"Be still sad heart and cease repining;
Behind the clouds the sun is shining,
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life a little rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary."
- Longfellow

We've had a couple of dark and dreary days this week Chez Duyvken. But to explain why I have to take you back to Father's Day. A wonderful confluence of holidays and cycles meant that Father's day morning saw me using a home pregnancy test, getting a positive result and being able to give Mr Duyvken a truly memorable father's day present. He was so thrilled that he actually squealed, and that's not easy for a 34 year old man. Morning sickness kicked in at about 5 1/2 weeks as it usually does for me and I was laid low. The subsequent weeks are a blur of oranges, schweppes bitter lemon, anti-nausea meds and trying to keep the house neat and the children fed in spite of the trials of the first trimester. I cloistered myself and just concentrated on the tasks at hand as I watched the days slowly count up to 12wks.

I first met with my obstetrician on Monday (at 10wks) and after discussing a few basic things and having some blood tests the ultrasound showed a beautiful 9wk 5 day baby but no heartbeat. The fluttery flitter that should light up the screen just wasn't there. I knew it was missing before Dr B said it but I was hoping against hope that he hadn't turned something on or pressed a necessary button or something.

And so here we are, after many tears, disbelief, a general anaesthetic and 2 days, feeling OK most of the time and very teary a little of the time. The little knitted bear was given to me at the hospital while I was waiting to go into theatre and he's very special to me. I think I'll restitch his face and replace his pink ribbon with a blue one because he seems like a little chap to me and because, for no good reason, I felt like the baby I was carrying was a boy.


sophie said…
Oh I am so sorry to hear this news. I have never experienced such a trauma so I really have no words except my thoughts are with you and I hope that you feel some peace soon.
Anonymous said…
So sorry to know that you are grieving such a loss. Be kind to yourself.
Frogdancer said…
I'm so sorry to hear this. I have no words, just letting you know that I'll be thinking of you.
Michelle said…
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Hugs to you and G and the kids as well - I'm sure they're grieving right along side. So sad.
The Coffee Lady said…
Oh, I'm so sorry. I've been there, and it sucks, it really does.

Take care of yourself.

I'm so very very sorry.
I am so sorry to hear such sad news . Look after yourself . Affectionately , Sonata .
Cascade Lily said…
Oh Amelia. That's very sad news. I'm glad you have the bear to help you with your grieving.
Sarah Slaven said…
Oh I'm so sorry
Fran said…
I know no words can take your sorrow away but hope your pain will ease. You have expressed this loss so simply and eloquently.
God bless.
Eleanor said…
Oh. So sorry dear friend. I'm sending you my love, you are in my thoughts.
Fe said…
I'm so so sorry for your loss.

I have been there too, and it hurts.
Corrie said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Corrie said…
I am so so sorry to hear your news. It breaks my heart when lovely mummies lose their little babies. I lost my pregnancy before the twins and cried my eyes out for a good week so cry your eyes out as much as you need to.

Take care and I'll keep you all in my prayers.
M said…
Oh, I'm so sorry.
eurolush said…
So sorry I'm here late. My heart goes out to you and your family for your loss.

You are in my thoughts, dear girl.
Stomper Girl said…
I'm sorry too.
rachel said…
I'm so sorry for you loss Amelia.
ingrid said…
While each day may get easier the memory will never fade. I am sure your little one has carved a corner in your heart just of his own.

Take care of yourself.

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